Ah, free will. That shiny, glorious gift we’re told we all have, the crown jewel of our human experience. But what if I told you it’s nothing more than a cosmic inside joke? A well-crafted prank, played on us by two of the universe’s most infamous manipulators: God and the devil. Yes, folks, grab your popcorn because this existential drama is as rigged as a carnival claw machine.
While we wrestle with “choices,” it’s becoming increasingly clear that both God and the devil are less about offering free will and more about perfecting the art of manipulation. They’re not rivals as much as co-directors of the longest-running soap opera in the cosmos, titled As Humanity Turns.
The Tools of the Trade
Let’s be real, whether you call it divine guidance or diabolical temptation, the tactics are eerily similar:
1. The Power of Suggestion: Ever feel like an idea just “popped” into your head? Surprise! That wasn’t you. It’s just one of them whispering sweet nothings into your subconscious, nudging you toward choices they’ve pre-approved. But sure, you’re “in control.”
2. Coercion: God says, “Choose me, and you get eternal paradise!” The devil counters, “Pick me, and you get to indulge in all the fun stuff.” It’s like being forced to choose between kale and cake, only the stakes are your soul, and both options come with fine print.
3. Environmental Sabotage: Your circumstances? The societal norms? The conveniently timed roadblocks? Oh, those aren’t random. That’s just the puppet strings being pulled while you think you’re “figuring things out.”
If free will were an actual product, it’d come with a disclaimer: Warning: Subject to external interference, covert influences, and existential gaslighting. Use at your own risk.
Existence: The Ultimate Cosmic Joke
Let’s face it, free will is the universe’s worst-kept joke, and we’re the punchline. While we sweat over every decision, God and the devil are probably sipping celestial martinis and laughing their heads off. Imagine their conversations:
God: “Did you see him choose the ‘moral high ground’ again? Classic!”
The Devil: “And then he spent 20 minutes regretting it? Priceless!”
At some point, you realize the only ones truly exercising free will are these two manipulators, and we’re just playing out their scripted drama. Don’t worry, though; it’s all for a higher purpose, or so we’re told.
The Escape Hatch: Cessation of Existence
So, what’s the solution to this conundrum? Easy: don’t play. Just quit the game altogether. Cease to exist. Poof. Gone. No longer available for manipulation. It’s the ultimate cosmic mic drop.
Of course, people might call this perspective “nihilistic,” but I call it efficient. If the whole system is rigged, why waste time agonizing over which side of the rigging to choose? Game over, manipulators. Checkmate.
But What About Meaning?
Now, some of you might be thinking, “But isn’t life about finding meaning despite the manipulation?” To which I reply: Sure, if you enjoy decorating the interior of your existential hamster wheel. Personally, I’d rather leap off the wheel and take my chances outside the cage.
Final Thoughts (and a Wink)
Look, I’ve made peace with the fact that God and the devil aren’t cosmic opposites they’re business partners running the greatest con of all time. Free will? It’s the bait on their hook. The big difference is that one promises eternal bliss, and the other throws a killer party, but both leave you on the hook either way.
So, here’s my advice: laugh at the absurdity. Recognize the manipulation for what it is, but don’t let it ruin your day. And who knows? Maybe one day, when we finally step off this metaphysical game board, we’ll get to sit at the celestial bar and laugh along with them.
Until then, play your part, but don’t forget the golden rule: the house always wins.
